My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
