I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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