Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
