My first STD was from a foam party
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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