I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
