im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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