They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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