You smell like stripper and shame
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
