ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
