Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
