I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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