careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
