I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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