All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If that was your dad, he is hot
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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