Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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