i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
