Got a toothbrush?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
