apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
