there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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