how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize