i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
