My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
