I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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