My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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