Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
