I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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