And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
