oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
