I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
