I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
