Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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