so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
