one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i need some magic done to my vagina
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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