She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
