just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
