I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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