i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
