I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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