Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
