Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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