Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
