escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
