Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
