So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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