Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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