Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize