every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize