He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
