I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
