I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
