Don't make out with my wife yet
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
