I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
