It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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