in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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