Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
