Cold hands, warm shart.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
