Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
