apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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