We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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