You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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