I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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