Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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