i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
