I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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